By Sarah Sacks, Psychotherapist & Clinical Supervisor
Something I often notice in my work as a psychotherapist is just how much people already understand about themselves.
They can tell me why they find it difficult to say no, why they become anxious when someone is disappointed in them, or why they seem to repeat the same patterns in relationships. Often, they've spent years reflecting on these things, reading, talking with friends or working with other therapists.
And yet, despite all this understanding, something hasn't shifted.
It can be incredibly frustrating to understand something so well and still feel unable to change it.
I've come to appreciate that insight, while enormously valuable, is only one part of the process of change. We can understand our experiences intellectually without necessarily changing how we feel about them, or how we respond when something touches an old vulnerability.
And this is one of the reasons I value Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy.
When knowing better doesn't mean doing differently
I remember working with a client who was struggling with a pattern of staying up far too late at night.
They knew they needed more sleep. They could see the impact it was having on their mental health, leaving them increasingly anxious and depressed. They were exhausted during the day, finding it difficult to concentrate, and noticing that their performance at work was suffering.
Yet night after night, they found themselves scrolling through their phone, often long after they had intended to go to bed.
They understood perfectly well what was happening and why it wasn't good for them. But that understanding wasn't enough to change the behaviour.
Rather than focusing on how to stop the scrolling, we became curious about the part of them that seemed so determined to stay awake.
What was it doing for them? What might happen if it stopped?
As we spent time getting to know this part, something unexpected began to emerge.
The part that kept them awake wasn't simply seeking distraction. It was trying to protect them from another, much younger part of themselves that was carrying an overwhelming sense of responsibility.
The scrolling offered a way of keeping those difficult feelings at a distance, particularly in the quiet of the evening when there were fewer distractions.
What had initially appeared to be a problem with self-discipline began to make sense as a protective response.
The client didn't need more information about the importance of sleep. They already knew that.
What they needed was an opportunity to understand the part that was keeping them awake, and the younger part it was trying so hard to protect.
Sometimes the behaviour we most want to change is serving a purpose we haven't yet understood.
Understanding the parts of ourselves
Internal Family Systems, developed by psychotherapist Richard Schwartz, is based on the understanding that we all have different aspects of ourselves, referred to as parts.
Most of us recognise this experience.
There's the part that wants to make a change, and the part that is frightened of what might happen if we do. The part that knows we need to rest, and the part that insists there is still more to be done. The part that longs for connection, and the part that pulls away when someone gets too close.
IFS suggests that many of these parts developed their roles in response to our experiences, often early in life.
A critical part may have learned that being hard on us was a way of avoiding mistakes or rejection. A part that works tirelessly to keep everyone happy may have developed when conflict felt frightening or unsafe.
One of the central ideas in IFS is that there are no bad parts. Even those aspects of ourselves that we find frustrating or difficult have often developed with the intention of protecting us.
Rather than trying to silence or change these parts, IFS invites us to become curious about them.
What are they worried about? What do they believe might happen if they stopped doing what they do? How long have they been carrying this responsibility?
As we begin to understand these parts and develop a relationship with them, something can shift. Parts that have been working very hard to protect us may gradually begin to trust that they don't need to carry quite so much responsibility.
Not because we've forced them to change, but because something in our relationship with them has changed.
Beyond talking and understanding
I think one of the limitations of relying on insight alone is that we can become very good at explaining our experiences without necessarily feeling them differently.
We can understand the influence of our childhood, recognise our attachment patterns and identify the origins of our anxiety. All of this can be enormously helpful.
But there is another layer to our experience that isn't always accessible through thinking.
We feel things in our bodies. Our stomach tightens when we anticipate conflict. Our chest becomes heavy when we're sad. Sometimes our bodies seem to know something before we've consciously made sense of it.
This is why I integrate IFS with Focusing-oriented therapy and somatic approaches in my work.
I often invite people to slow down and notice what is happening inside as they speak. Not just what they're thinking, but what they're feeling, and where they might be experiencing it in their body.
Rather than immediately interpreting these experiences, we give them a little space.
Sometimes an emotion becomes clearer, a memory emerges, or we begin to recognise something familiar about the way our body responds.
For me, the value lies in allowing more of our experience to be present, including the parts that may not yet have words.
This can be quite different from trying to think our way towards feeling better.
Finding a different way of being with ourselves
IFS also recognises that beneath our protective parts, there may be more vulnerable, often younger parts of ourselves carrying difficult experiences and feelings.
These are the parts that may have learned they needed to be good to be loved, that their feelings were too much, or that they were responsible for keeping others happy.
As adults, we may understand that these beliefs are no longer true, yet something within us continues to carry them.
In IFS therapy, we work carefully with our protective parts, allowing trust to develop before approaching what lies beneath. Over time, this can create opportunities for these more vulnerable parts to be met with the compassion and care that may not have been available when the original experiences occurred.
IFS also describes a core sense of Self, characterised by qualities such as curiosity, compassion, calm and connectedness. As our protective parts begin to relax, we may find greater access to these qualities.
Change in therapy isn't always dramatic. Sometimes it's noticing that we can say no without feeling quite so guilty, allowing ourselves to rest without justification, or remaining present during a difficult conversation rather than withdrawing.
These shifts can seem small, but they often reflect something significant changing in our relationship with ourselves.
Perhaps we don't need to try quite so hard
I often say that therapy isn't about fixing you.
So much of our effort towards personal growth can be directed at becoming different. Less anxious, more confident, less reactive, better at coping.
But sometimes, in our determination to change, we overlook the value of understanding and accepting what is already here.
The parts of us that are anxious, critical, frightened or exhausted haven't appeared without reason. They have developed through our experiences, our relationships and the ways we've learned to navigate the world.
Some of these ways of being may no longer serve us. But that doesn't mean they need to be fought or rejected.
Perhaps they need to be listened to.
Perhaps they need to know that the circumstances of our lives have changed, and that they no longer need to work quite so hard.
And perhaps, as we begin to develop a more compassionate relationship with these parts of ourselves, change becomes less something we have to force and more something we can gradually allow.
Understanding ourselves matters.
But sometimes, what makes the difference is not knowing more about ourselves.
It's learning to be with ourselves differently.
Exploring IFS therapy
If you've spent a long time trying to understand yourself, but still feel caught in patterns that are difficult to change, IFS therapy may offer another way of working.
I offer individual psychotherapy online across Australia, drawing on Internal Family Systems, Focusing and somatic approaches. I also offer Walk & Talk therapy in Melbourne where appropriate.
You're welcome to book a free 20-minute discovery call to explore whether working together might be a good fit.
Learn more about individual psychotherapy
It is through connection we heal.
Love Sarah xx
